~ Play Nice And Live To See Tomorrow ~

by

Jenn Nixon

Ten

I was doing it again to myself. I couldn’t concentrate all day at work. I called George and Max just to say hi, but told them I was working on something important and would have to talk to them another time. Every hour I tried to regain my focus, however, the pages of my journal kept flashing in my mind. I knew what I had to do. I needed to start from the beginning and read every single page. I had to know if I had been oblivious for so many years. I always thought I was cautious, I thought my paranoid side would have prevented me from being so blindsided. Could this have been going on for so many years?

I finished early and left around 4:00 p.m. I realized as I was leaving that I hadn’t spoken much to anyone at work.

I got home and jumped into the shower. I put on my robe, went to the kitchen and made some tea. I sat on my bed and started to read my journals. I laughed and cried as I read the pages of my life. So many things had happened that I’d forgotten. People have always asked me why I kept a journal, this was why. Remembrance of days gone by, the good and the bad. Everything that made me who I am today. Aside from what I’d found yesterday, nothing else seemed to jump out at me until I read an entry from four years ago.

Today I got the strangest email at work. It said he is not right for you. The email address is Red1234 and it’s an AOL address. When I looked it up tonight it is no longer in use. I called George and Hannah to see if they were messing with me, but they said they weren’t. Strange, was this one of Charlie’s friends trying to warn me that he’s no good? Ha Ha, it doesn’t matter anyway, I don’t see much of a future for us. It’s only been two weeks and already he is annoying me.

The email was from Red1234. I kept reading. The web server at my company had changed two weeks later. I had written that I was pissed because I had to give all my clients my new email address. I scanned another few months, there wasn’t another mention of an email from Red1234. I had completely forgotten about that. Red1234 emailed me four years ago--now Blue was emailing me. I knew I wasn’t being paranoid anymore. Whoever was messing with me now had been doing so for years. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. Why hadn’t I seen it? What good was it being paranoid if you didn’t put two and two together? Whoever it was, they were pretty slick. They’d spaced everything apart so well that it would almost be impossible to realize it was the same person.

My stomach turned, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I ran into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I started to hyperventilate. I wasn’t really sure what to do, I turned to open the window opposite the shower and stuck my head outside into the night air. I thought the fresh air might help calm my breathing. Slowly, I felt normal again. I went back into the bedroom and laid on my bed. I inhaled and exhaled deeply. What the hell was wrong with me? I took more deep breaths and felt myself become calmer. Suddenly, the phone rang. I sat up and looked at the caller ID--it said out of area again. Something inside me snapped. I picked up the phone and threw it against the wall. I was losing my mind. I stood over the bed staring at my journals. I bent over and ran my arm across the bed letting the journals fly in every direction. I began to cry again. I fell onto the bed and buried my head in my pillow. I sobbed for a good half-hour and exhausted myself to sleep.

~ * ~

The pounding noise coming from my front door woke me from my sleep. I heard a muffled yelling, but couldn’t make out the words. As I moved out of my room, the pounding grew louder and my heart began to race.

"Joie, please open the door." Max shouted through the door. I quickly ran to the door and opened it. Max rushed to me taking me in his arms. I must have been in quite a daze, I acted as if everything was fine.

"What happened? I called you earlier and I heard the phone pick up, then it went dead. I rushed here as soon as I could." He walked with me to the couch.

"I didn’t know it was you, it said out of area, I thought…" I started.

"I was calling from a pay phone, my cell phone went dead. I didn’t realize it would say out of area. Why didn’t you answer the door?" He asked.

"I fell asleep, I guess--I didn’t sleep much last night." I sighed. Max got up and went into the kitchen and put on a pot of tea, on the way back he looked in my room.

"Joie, what happened in there?" He sat next to me and put his hand on mine. I sat silently next to him staring into space. I wasn’t listening to him, I was lost somewhere in my own thoughts. "Joie?"

"I’m sorry, what?" I snapped my head around and faced him.

"All right, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?" I could see it in his eyes, he was serious.

"Oh, Max, I was supposed to make you dinner!" It just dawned on me as I looked into his eyes. I had completely forgotten. I tried to get up from the couch but Max put his hand on my arm and kept me on the couch.

"I don’t care about dinner, I want to know what the hell happened. Why is your phone pulled out of the wall--why are there books all over the place?" He asked with a rush of emotions. I snapped back to reality and tried to collect my thoughts.

"I was writing in my journal, and I started reading back and I saw that I had written about strange things that had happened." I took a deep breath, I could get through this without tears. "I pulled out my other journals going back to college and every once in a while something strange would happen. Max, I think who ever is messing with me now has been at it since college." I didn’t cry, I didn’t rush to his arms. I kept my tone even and strong.

"Since college? What kind of things have happened?" He asked. I explained the cell phone, the notes on the car, the flowers, the flat tires, and the fact that everything happened so far apart that I hadn’t put any of them together.

"Half of them seemed like sweet gestures at the time, I guess I never thought much of it. But looking back on it all now, it just seems too strange to be coincidence." I twisted my hair as I talked. I got up from the couch and began to pace. "Four years ago I got an email from a Red and now I’m getting email from Blue. I felt sick and I started to hyperventilate. I almost fell in the bathroom and when I finally calmed down the phone rang and scared the shit out of me. When I saw it was out of area I snapped. I threw the phone across the room, cleared my bed of my journals, cried and must have fallen asleep. I heard banging, that’s when I woke up. But I’m okay now."

I walked up to him and rested my hand on his shoulder. As I touched him I felt a wave of emotions go through me. I wasn’t okay, I began to shake. I pulled away and clasped my hands together. I wasn’t going to cry, but I needed him. I came to a realization--I was being stalked. I am a grown woman, I can take care of myself. I can’t let him always see me like this, but I kept thinking--I’m being stalked. Max stood up and took a step toward me. I shook my head and stepped back, I was going to be strong. I didn’t care that I was being stalked. My mind was going back and forth and I couldn’t hold it together. Max moved closer and I looked at him, then I turned pale.

"Oh my god. I’m being stalked." I whispered and passed out.